Going blonde: The Emotional Process

Were you born with beautiful blonde hair? Ugh, me neither. And it's not fair! Which is why it's so nice that, thanks to the miracles of modern technology (also known as "a buttload of bleach and a couple hours of spare time"), the piddling whims of nature need not stop any of us from having the hair of our collective dreams. Dream big, brownies! DREAM BIG.

For the observant reader, this wont be a huge shock, as I have been posting many blonde related posts!

But yes, I have finally taken the plunge into blonde. However it was not an easy process, mentally or physically! For best results, you must first familiarize yourself with the all-important emotional process of Bottle Blonding.

Standard before shot 

STAGE ONE: ASPIRATION
Begin to imagine yourself as a blonde. Upload your photo to a virtual makeover site to see what you'd look like with blonde hair. Casually introduce the idea of blondness in conversations with your friends, using such ice-breaking statements as, "Do you think blondes really have more fun?" and, "If golden retrievers were people, they would be SO PRETTY."

STAGE TWO: DELUSION
Begin to have vivid dreams about salon visits and hair dye. Wake up convinced that you've already taken the plunge. Feel strangely distressed when you wander past the bathroom mirror and realize that it wasn't real.

STAGE THREE: INTENT
Make the appointment. State your intentions to the receptionist. Make a small but audible shrieking noise when she informs you that the process can take up to four hours and/or two processes!

STAGE FOUR: RESEARCH
Read articles about the different types of blondes. Take magazine quizzes with titles such as "So you wanna go blonde!" and "What's your true hair identity?". Call your mother in the middle of the night to ask whether your skin has red or blue undertones; when she tells you she doesn't know, accuse her of never really loving you.

STAGE FIVE: DOUBT
It's not too late to back out, you know. What's so bad about your current hair color, anyway? Who the hell do you think you are, messing with nature like this?! What's next, BUTT IMPLANTS?!!! You should be ashamed of yourself.

STAGE SIX: ACTION
Arrive at the salon. Nod mutely when the stylist says, "So, I hear we're going blonde!" Pick your desired shade from a color wheel made of disembodied hair. Watch in saucer-eyed silence as the world's stinkiest mixture is applied to your head with a miniature paintbrush.

STAGE SEVEN: DOUBT, REVISITED
It's not too late to back out, you... wait, no, it is. Your hair is already changing color. OHMIGOD, YOUR HAIR IS ALREADY CHANGING COLOR.

STAGE EIGHT: FIRST LOOK
Behold your new hair after the first treatment. Try to picture what it'll look like when it's not slicked back and soaking wet. Decide that it is not necessarily bad, but is definitely not the desired shade of blonde and book your next appointment in 4 weeks time. 

Standard in-between shot 

STAGE NINE: REPETE 

Repete stages 1-9 with less doubt now because, hell, you have already paid a shit-ton for your current hair, there is no way you are going back now!

STAGE TEN: CONFIDENCE

Stride back into the salon like you are on a mission, you are going to go blonde if it kills you! 

STAGE ELEVEN

As you watch the foils swell up and see you hair change colour, realise the gravity of what you are doing. Think back at how foolish you have been, strutting in there without a care in the world. Sit there wishing you had taken advantage of the time you had to reconsider your choices. 

STAGE TEN: YOU ARE BLONDE
You did it! Go home! Take pictures! Enjoy the squeals of delight from everyone you know when they see you for the first time! And whatever you do, do not stop to think about how hard it is to tell the difference between squeals of delight and shrieks of horror! Oh, and of course, post pictures on the internet so that everyone can tell you whether they hate it or not.